Friday, December 3, 2010

Revisione Numero Due : "Too Close for Comfort"

"Too Close for Comfort,"  is a chain restaurant/bar that resides in pretty much every town of New Jersey.  The proper name of this establishment will remain undisclosed due to the fact that this particular one sits approximately 500 feet away from where I pretend to be a professional adult Monday - Friday.

While reading this review you'll most likely be able to figure out the name because I'd imagine they're all similarly operated and managed. 

Let's get started...

 The Bartenders - Extremely friendly but mildly attractive men and women.  They all know my name, my usual drinks of choice, and never ask to see my ID - these are only things your "regular" bartender should know at your "regular" spot.  The fact that they all know these things about me is not something to be proud of - Some of the tenders, well really just one in particular is a bit "too friendly for comfort."  We'll discuss later...

Regulars/Crowd Type - Well, considering I'm one of the "regulars,"  I tend to only pay attention to my own company - who are typically my fellow alcohol dependent colleagues. Really though, the regulars vary from young professionals to old professionals, wholesome families (with screaming children - my faveee), elderly couples, tweens, Jersey trash, motorcycle gangs, and of course...*Creepfests.  Basically, it's the kitchen sink, or armpit if you will, of restaurant/bars.  Literally, everyone and their mother goes here.  I especially appreciate the women that get decked out in their sweetest skin tight wranglers, poison t-shirts, and teased to the max hair to try and pick up dudes.  The only thing they're missing is a *Wullet.

Male : Female Ratio - Pretty much 50/50.

Cuisine - Although I've tried every vegetarian option on the menu, I typically order the spinach and artichoke dip and replace the chips with raw vegetables.  For most servers, this is not a hard concept to grasp, however I always seem to get a different array of dippers every time I order.  One time, I received the shavings from red and green peppers.  Really?  How do you expect me to scoop with that?  I have also sent food back before, because it was just absolutely unbearable - the vegetarian flatbread appetizer - but, I can't really judge considering I eat rabbit food.  Anyway, if you're into eating flesh, I do know that many people enjoy the sizzling chicken and cheese with a side of mashed potatoes or (their signature) Jack Daniels sesame jack chicken strips.  I'm also a huge fan of their sweet potato fries.  And, desserts are to die for (BROWNIE OBSESSION).  All in all, standard Americanized food - burgers, chicken, salads and sandwiches, and desserts (cheesecakes, ice cream sundaes, BROWNIE OBSESSION).


Music Selection - Pop tunes of the decade.

Decor/Structural Design - That incredibly tacky "let's put all the shit we find in our attics and garages on the walls and ceiling"  trend.  They do have a huge canoe on one of the walls though, so that's pretty nifty.


History - Established in 1988.  

Location - NW New Jersey, Morris County - too close for comfort.

Prices - Pretty reasonable.  Entrees range roughly from $8 - $15 (give or take a few) and  4 pm - 7 pm half price appetizers (score).

The Brown's - Everything under the sun: Jack, Jameson, Maker's Mark, Johnny Walker (Black & Blue), Hennessey.  And as for the draughts: Guinness, Stella, Sam Boston, Sam Seasonal (Winter Lager is the shit), Blue Moon, and of course, the standards: Coors Light, Miller Lite, Bud Light, BUD-WEI-SER, etc.  They also have a wide range of wines (red and white), vodkas (various 3 Olives flavors), gin, and rum.

In a nut-shell, the place ain't too bad.

As for my personal experiences...

"Too Friendly for Comfort" is an excellent bartender at "Too Close for Comfort."  He's pleasant and great at his job.  However, like any typical member of the male species, if you're too nice to him chances are he will get the very, very wrong idea and decide that the most rationale thing to do is to ask you out.  You politely decline and insist that you're "just not looking to date."  He backs off, you think it's cool, UNTIL - he makes a facebook page dedicated to the bar and friend requests you.  You accept, because well that's the polite thing to do, and THEN the "bar" begins to write on your wall for all your "friends" to see.  You then come to the conclusion that you MUST block the "bar" from viewing photos of you and writing on your wall.  As if these weren't obvious enough attempts at proving "you're just not that into him," the next time he see's you he throws all dignity out the window and hands you a note that reads...

Exhibit B) The note from the "Too Close for Comfort" "Too Friendly for Comfort" bartender.  Not only was I less than flattered by this impulsive advance to get into my pants, but also made extremely uncomfortable and avoided the bar for a solid 2 months.  My favorite part though, "...thought it might be fun before I lose my liscense..."  What a catch.

Now, on a more serious note...

If you're looking to get inebriated enough to lure one of your co-workers into your car for a good ol'fashioned make-out sesh...then this is the place for you.
Just make sure all other colleagues have left the bar/parking lot before you decide to suck face.  Going into the office the next day and having questions asked like, "Soooo, what happened with you and so-and-so?" is definitely not conducive to your "professional career." I usually answer back with a snide, "I don't know what you're talking about," and carry on.  


Well, there ya have it folks.

Be good,

TBR

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Introducing the new rage in bar couture for 2011...

Last night, I had the luxury of feasting my eyes on what is sure to catch on quick among the "au courant" within bar culture...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you...
  
The Mean Ass Motha Fuggin'...

 Wullet

*Wullet: (n.) wul·let [wüllət] a hairstyle for females (women) that is absurdly long and woolly (mane-esque) at the back and short and gelled (to resemble Count Dracula) at the front and sides.

Alas!  Courageous chicks of the Hipster movement can now feel more unconformed/conformed (ironic) when socializing among *creepfests of the bar culture.




This chic sexual deterrent is a sure way to induce more anti-affectionate, celibate, inebriates among the women of the bar culture populous.

Abstinent alcoholics, unite!

Be good,

TBR

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Review 1 of many: Old Faithful - aka The Landmark

Today is Wednesday.  "Hump day" if you will.  And, what makes this day of the week different from any other?  Well, I for one will certainly NOT be humping, but I will in fact be drinking...at my local spot that I like to refer to as "Old Faithful." 

"Old Faithful," also known as The Landmark, is conveniently located a hop, skip, and three street lights away from my humble abode.  I go there quite often and the beautiful bartenders typically welcome me with a Guinness or Budweiser (no "Bud-Heavy's" allowed you bro-jocks), and ask if it's a Jameson or JD kinda night.  I don't call myself a regular, because that's just shameful...but, uhh yeah, I'm pretty much as regular as they come.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Livingston-NJ/The-Landmark-LivingstonNJ/104306898716?v=wall

Just the homiest, most cutest, little hole in the wall that you ever did see.

Along with the PHEN-OM service, multiple flat screens for all you sports enthusiasts, and beautiful bartenders, The Landmark is also home to some of the most DELISH food that has ever touched my mouth.  Whenever I bite into a veggie burger, pizza (w/jalapenos), steak fries (w/thai sauce), or whatever it may be, my mouth and palate experience an extreme FOOD OH! (slang for "food orgasm").

Aside from the sexual cuisine, the company's not too bad either.  I am always guaranteed to have a randy little flirt session with a bartender, become acquainted with a strange lonely person, or witness the ungodly behavior of a CREEEEEPFEST. [*Creepfest - an individual whose overall existence is extremely uncomfortable and gauche.*]   When I usually come into contact with these types of characters and I return into the bar from indulging in an outside ciggie, I will find things like this in my "to-go" box...


Exhibit A) The pizza box note from the loneliest, most nicest, jolliest man I've ever met.  Please take note of the 6G's in his checking account.  Ballerrrrr!

To my surprise, not only did I find this note, but also a $20 bill to cover my tab.   Unfortunately, no lonely, nice, jolly man in sight.  He bounced before I got back inside.  I never even thanked him.  Bummer...


And as if there weren't enough eerie to the ambiance, I am never less than shocked by the staggering amount of cougars, prowling and ready to pounce on their prey. I especially don't appreciate when they attempt to take my older brother home.

All in all, if you're looking for a homie bar "where everybody knows your name" (I had to) with great food, guaranteed entertainment [from either the sports games on the tele or the locals], and service with a smile, you will definitely find all of that at The Landmark.

And off I go folks...it's dranking time.

Be good,

TBR