The Bar Ultimatum.

To be his customer or to be his romp buddy…is that a for serious question?

A vital lesson I’m continuing to learn throughout my years as a connoisseur of dives, drinks, and dudes is to not date, fall in love with, or simply fornicate with ANYONE who works at a bar that you frequent.  These types of relationships never work out the way they should.  You go into the whole thing head first with the sole intention to just “have fun.”  Get some free drinks and a couple of line cuts out of the deal.  Soon after, reality smacks the horny out of you.  Shit gets weird…real weird…real fast.

For the last couple of years, I frequent this one pub-like bar (among many others) that resides downtown along the strip of various other pubs, restaurants, and shops right before hitting the main drag.  [Review in a nut-shell] The pure aroma of Pepto-Bismol and diarrhea along with a pool table, dart boards, TV’s, and the exquisite ability to hold two rooms with entirely different ambiances in one location.  This all sums up why there’s a ridiculous line on Friday and Saturday nights that ends all the way up to the corner of the next block.  Oh, and how could I forget the DJ that plays shitty house music.  It’s not his fault people love shitty house music.  I, myself, being one of them.  It entrances the shithammered 21 year olds to start humping one another on the dance floor.  Finger-blast, anyone?  Not to be confused with a very similar pub right up the block.  There are three very distinctive differences between these two establishments:

• The Pub Up The Block smells clean…VERY clean.
• Unlike Pub Up The Block where nothing’s left to the imagination, Pepto-Bismol pub has a secret cook with a secret kitchen and a secret bar menu.  Food is only served from 1 pm – 3 pm on weekdays when there aren’t any damn customer
• Pepto-Bismol pub holds a bartender…a bartender that gets off by offering his customers ultimatums… “Either be my blackout customer who I hate or be the girl I sleep with (i.e. a smutfaced hooker)…can’t be both…”

a.     High-Level Backgrounder on Pepto-Bismol Bartender:

                                               i.     Really, really, really fucking cute

                                             ii.     Really, really, really fucking funny

                                            iii.     Really, really, really fucking good with the FE-males

I met Pepto-Bismol Bartender quite some time ago.  Anytime I frequented his place of work, I eye-fucked the shit out of him.  We never exchanged names.  Never held a real conversation.  Never knew a damn thing about one another except for the fact that I liked Jameson shots and he had an incredible beard…and ass.

Not too long ago, Pepto-Bismol Bartender and I officially met.  We locked eye-fucking eyes at the Pub Up The Block.  He wasn’t working that night.  He was an off-duty bartender about to be added to my “bartender hit-list.”   I was an off-duty customer unaware of my destiny.  Banned from his bar…all because he couldn’t keep it in his pants.  And I couldn’t resist.

We got to “know” each other and I continued to frequent Pepto-Bismol Bartender’s Pepto-Bismol smelling bar.  I was getting the 2-in-1 smashed special…smashed in bed and smashed at the bar by 1 foxy beer wench.  ‘Twas the best “relationship” anyone looking to be in a “non-relationship” could have dreamed.

I suppose once I started becoming too comfortable with this more than perfect situation (i.e. showing up to Pepto-Bismol Bar to see Pepto-Bismol Bartender blacked out wasted proclaiming that I wanted to sit on his junk) shit started getting’ weird.  Pepto-Bismol Bartender turned into Pepto-Bismol Emo Douchebag.

Because I’m not stupid and because I hate passive aggressive hipster doucheness, I asked Pepto-Bismol Bartender, “why are you being a standoffish hipster douche?” and so he answered:

                  

“You can’t come to my bar…my job…blacked out…demanding drinks…obnoxious…being one of those customers that I hate and still expect me to sleep with you.  I either see you at work or I see you outside of work.  Can’t be both.”

This ridiculous “ultimatum” left me befuddled and aggravated.  Befuddled simply because our situation was an inch shy from perfect.  How could he not be cool with it anymore?  Probably because of that 3 – 4 guy rule.  After 3 – 4 times with one girl they lose interest and it’s on to the next one.  Aggravated because hipster doucheface just one-upped me and beat me at my game.

Due to my serious irritation, I opted with neither.  I will not be your customer and I certainly will not sleep with you.  Really, the jokes on me.  I gotta hand it to him.  Pepto-Bismol hipster doucheface bartender did a nice job at getting rid of me.  The trick is to just seriously piss me off and then I disappear.  Well, soon enough the joke will be back on him.  I gave myself a one month break from entering Pepto-Bismol Bar.  In only a short couple of weeks I’ll be up to my antics once again.  Except this time, there will be no ultimatum.  We’ll go back to being eye-fucking strangers.  The only type of relationship one can have with a bartender.

- TBR